Today, I’m going to change things up a little bit here on the Rollachan Blog. Instead of posting about politics, tech, or some obscure opinion, I’m going to give you all a quick car care tip that may help your car run smoother, get better gas mileage, and, most importantly, go faster. Of course, there is only one aftermarket add-on you can put on your car in your own garage that could do all of this. That’s right, racing stripes.
Before we jump in all willy-nilly, though, you’ll need to assemble some of the necessary parts and components:
- A car. If you don’t have a car, you stand little hope of improving your engine, gas mileage, or top speed. I suggest that, instead of reading this post, you go make a sandwich or talk to your girlfriend.
- Duct Tape. You’ll need at least 3 rolls to make the straight lines required for effective, aerodynamic stripes as well as covering up things you don’t want to paint (i.e. windshield, headlights, cup holders, etc.).
- An Empty Mason Jar. This will be explained below.
- One Push-Pin (Any Color). Same as above.
- One Bag of Lava Rocks. Most cars will need to have their original paint scuffed to ensure that the racing stripe will stick at the incredible speeds you will soon be able to achieve.
- Two Gallons of White Latex House Paint. Don’t cheap out and get that matte crap. Unless, of course, you enjoy extinguishing chemical fires.
- A Sextant. Correct angles and lines are essential for effective stripes.
- A Star Chart. How else will you use the sextant?
- Three Cans of Sam’s Cola. You’ll get thirsty.
- A Camera. Because it will be hilarious if you actually follow these directions.
Once you have acquired all of the items in the list above, you can follow these simple steps to apply kick-ass racing stripes to your very own car.
- Using your sextant and star chart, align your vehicle with Polaris (the North Star). This will be the foundation on which we’ll base all other measurements, so be precise in this step. I cannot go into detail on sextant usage here, so if you need help just look on Wikipedia.
- Once you have your car perfectly in line with the North Star, you can start taping off the design of your racing stripe. Assuming you’ve correctly aligned your car, this step should be incredibly simple and safe to just eyeball, requiring no measurement. I went with an offset-style stripe, but you should make whatever kind speaks best to your inner Rod Stewart. You should also note that you may not be able to do your taping inside your own garage, as mine just happened to be aligned perfectly with Polaris (one of the many benefits of living in a house built by new age hippies).
- In the section you have taped off, scuff the paint with the lava rocks. These have a tendency to wear down very quickly, which is why I had you get a whole damn bag of them. You’d be surprised how tough paint can be.
- It is a little-known fact that latex house paint is actually carbonated (I hear it helps it go down smoother). Here we will take full advantage of this unique property to speed up the process of painting our stripes. Fill the mason jar halfway with your white paint and screw on the lid. Then, shake the jar for at least five full minutes. You should be able to see the carbon dioxide bubbles through the glass. Once five minutes are up, use the push-pin to poke a hole in the top of the jar and direct the spray of paint onto your car. This can take a little bit of finesse to accomplish, so don’t give up if you can’t pull it off the first try. Just get a new pin and try again.
- If you’ve managed to perform steps 2-4 without moving your vehicle, you can continue on to the rear of your car without re-alignment. You may have noticed by now that we used duct tape made out of recycled college newspapers, and we suggest that you do the same. You just can’t be too green these days, and every little bit helps.
- Now all you have to do is remove the duct tape and your spiffy new racing stripes are complete! Nothing’s left but to sit back, enjoy a thirst-quenching Sam’s Cola, and soak in the warm feeling of a job well done. You may notice that, with this new addition, your car will appear incredibly fast even when it is parked and out of gear. You can rest assured that, at least while the ignition is off, there is no need to dive out of the way of your improved vehicle.
Well, that’s it for this Rollachan Car Care Tip. I hope you enjoyed it, and maybe even learned a little something. I would also like to remind you that you alone are responsible for any work you do to your own vehicle and neither Rollachan nor its affiliates may be held accountable for what you do. Have fun out there, and happy wrenching.